I was in the midst of a blog post that excited me, when I got a call from the white boy I’ve been blogging about. So, let me catch you up. After hanging with my married girlfriends and having serious discussions on how I deserve to be treated, I was going to give the white dude a fair shot. I acknowledged how uncomfortable I am being cherished and adored. I recognized in order for me to be comfortable accepting what I deserve, I had to make some drastic changes in my thoughts and the type of men I date. So, I mentally let my guard down and decided I would open up. I would be nice to him (I’ve been a bitch). I would reciprocate his kind words of affection. I would let him in my space, mentally and physically, more than I have been doing.
Then he called.
In response to him venting about New York living (I’m not going to share the man’s business), I shared my views on life. Before I tell you what I said, I want to preface it with he’s also an artist. He is also in NYC to pursue his dreams and passion. And, because of this commonality, I felt comfortable sharing what has and is helping me remain steadfast in the pursuing of my dreams. I also want to acknowledge that sometimes folks JUST call to vent. They don’t want or need help fixing their problems. They just want you to shut up and listen. I know this. So, here goes…
I told him my ultimate goal is Self-Mastery. I told him one of my favorite quotes and the one I live by is “I want to choose my thoughts like I choose my clothes.” I told him I believe thoughts become things and I aim to control my thoughts. And that I can’t be mad at my current station in life because it is merely the physical manifestation of my previous thoughts. I told him I want to get to a place, mentally, where I am able to filter what opinions I allow in my head from others. Because, the more I allow other’s opinions to penetrate my mind, unfiltered, the more they will impact my thoughts, which will impact my actions, which will impact my life. [I know I used the word “thoughts” a whole lot.]
I was met with awkward silence.
I felt naked.
What’s crazy is we’ve had sex. He’s seen me naked. Yet, this PHONE conversation was more intimate than anything we did in the bedroom. This phone conversation, me expressing my ultimate goals, how I process information, who I want to be, how I see the world, was as intimate as he could get with me. And I don’t think he was able to process ME.
After sex, I quickly covered my body when we were done. I’m extremely self-conscious, and even more so now that I’ve gained weight. I didn’t want him looking at me because my physical self is not something I am proud of…yet. HOWEVER, my MIND? Whewwww-weeee! MY MIND! I fuckin’ love this brain of mine. I fuckin’ love how I process and synthesize. I am an animal when it comes to THINKING. And I am unapologetic about that. If someone were to ask me what I think is the sexiest thing about me, I would say My Thought Process. My face can and does attract men, my thoughts captivate, intrigue, and hold them hostage.
He was not captivated. He was not intrigued. He wanted to leave. Immediately. I felt like he looked at my Naked Mind and thought “uhhh…I got to get the hell outta here,” because he immediately changed the subject and ended with “uhh…yeah…I can’t wait to see you tonight.”
I don’t know if I’m overreacting. I am unsure if he needs time to process what I said. I did shoot him a text saying I’m sorry if you just wanted to vent and I took over trying to fix an imaginary problem. He responded with I’m fine and stop apologizing.
I don’t want a man caught up in the superficial Me. I want someone who gets aroused at the thought of a bottle of wine at the kitchen table, spewing over THOUGHTS. Though my hair is fresh to death, and I no longer physically look like a nerd, that nerdy Ayanna is still in there, louder than ever, because she’s been nurtured and is hella confident.
I feel like I showed him my true naked self and I was rejected.
ILoveDookie 
Ok, so perhaps you weren’t rejected? He just needed a moment to process and apply all that. He’s an artist. Artists think. You said some real deep shit and an immediate response could have possibly not been able to happen because of that.
In order to get to that good spot in relationships, you do have to put yourself out there on Front Street. Not all the time will the other person meet you. But you are no worse from the experience. You are better! I feel like you walk away from things like that feeling just a little hurt or confused, but ultimately, it means you learned to bare your true self and that’s a skill few attempt or master. At the end of the day, no matter what, chalk it up to him not knowing how to handle such a soul-baring truth. Of course, this may inspire him to be more forthcoming, which would be great. You guys can begin to have those deep conversations over bottles of merlot and crusty French bread with high quality lightly spiced olive oil to dip it in (I’m hungry right now).
I say all that to say this -I get how you’re feeling. But breathe, stretch, shake and let it go . . . momentarily. See how he reacts to other things like this.
Well hot damn! I agree with everything you said. I’m so quick to throw the towel in. That’s something else I’ll have to overcome. But, you’re absolutely right. I’m just scared shitless right now and EVERYTHING is uncomfortable…including dating. Thanks for the other perspective!
Love it!! It takes a lot to bare your innermost to a person. Assuming this was the 1st “intimate” conversation you shared, he may have been a bit surprised to see that side of you. The same way you have made it a point to weed out negative thought/opinions, try not to read too much into his silence. You’re probably right, he needed a moment to soak it all in… if time permits a show of change in his actions, then you’ll know that the other side of you was too much, for him. There’s always a great catch that will become interested by your outer and captivated by what you hold special for those worthy, whats inside!!
I know I’m jumping the gun and quick to dismiss when there’s any sign of strife. I will take your advice and sit still for a sec. I guess that was a lot to lay on a person when they just called to chat for a sec. Call me Ms. Intensity.
A typical male response lol. We think much deeper than they do. Don’t feel rejected just yet 🙂
Lesbianism looks better each day…