Deer Rape

Friday night I decided to WALK to the market since its only 10 minutes away and it was nice outside. Now, whenever I’m walking, I feel the need to let everyone know I’m walking by choice and I do have a vehicle. I conveniently flash my car keys to signal I’m not poor. If you’re a pedestrian in Maryland, people automatically think you’re poor with bad credit. And, by people, I mean me.

Anywhos, by the time I began my return trip home, it was beginning to get dark, and all the nocturnal creatures made their entrance. There’s a huge field across the street from my apartment complex where deer usually graze at night. 2 deer were out having their dinner when I passed by.

Now…sometimes I question if I’m “creative” enough to be a comedian because all of my jokes reside in the land of reality. I don’t come up with bits where dogs are talking and frogs and monkeys are humping; my jokes are just about my human friends and the dumb human things they do. Occasionally though, something beyond random will take flight in me brain…

So, back to me walking and passing the deer. One deer looked up at me as if he were offering me some grass, so I politely said “no thank you.” Then I began to imagine he, the deer, trotted over to me and began talking…and I thought this was normal. Then, we began taking evening strolls daily, sharing the most wonderful conversations about our dreams and plans for the future.

Then one day, Buck (the deer), suggests we take our relationship to the next level. So I tell Buck, I have a boyfriend (cause clearly, the boyfriend is what’s stopping me and Buck the deer from being together). Then Buck gets aggressive and punches me in the chest with his front hooves and I fall to the ground screaming “No Buck! Please! No!” And he says, “I’m gonna put it in! You’ve been leading me on all these weeks and I’ve been listening to all your damn stories. You owe me some ass!”

Well, that’s as far as I got in the story before I scared the shit out of myself at the thought of getting deer raped.

I’m really not sure what’s going on in my life to provoke such a detailed story. Maybe I’ve been watching too much Law & Order: Special Victims. Maybe my imagination is too active. Maybe I really want to hump a deer. Maybe I’m bored with life. Either way, I hope you enjoyed my rape story.


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