Take my advice. I don’t use it anyway.
Fat people. Single people. Broke people. And, finally, non-comedians. Everyday, I am bombarded by someone’s advice – usually unsolicited, irrelevant, and just plain dumb. I’ve learned to dodge conversations, that start off with “you know what you should talk about on stage?” like Neo dodges bullets in “The Matrix.” There are so many experts, and so little success. It doesn’t make any sense!
Now, there are certain people, that when they start spewing advice, I actually listen. These people, are what I call, “successful.” Certain comics I respect, may offer me a tag or a suggestion on a joke – I, at least, TRY that advice. The problem came last weekend, when one of these comics started off his statement with “let me tell you how to lose weight!”
I love this comic dearly. He’s an extremely good friend of mine. He’s booked me numerous times to feature for him. He’s put a good deal of money in my pocket[book]. He’s fat. He’s been talking about losing the same 50lbs for YEARS. And he doesn’t read my blog, which is why “I’z bout tah unload on dis hur post” (Ebonics for: tell you guys what happened, in my unfiltered, possibly mean, usually loses friends way).
We’re sitting at the bar of a comedy club, and I’m being particularly and purposefully unhealthy, swigging on a chocolate martini. I am not delusional about the martini, thinking it’s good, or even, not AS bad for me. I am fully aware that I am dumping tons of sugar down my throat, which will not lead to anything positive in my life. However, it’s been several YEARS since I’ve indulged in a chocolate martini, and damn it, I AM OKAY! “My friend, who is Ms. Fitness UNIVERSE, told me that a woman should not start to lift weights until she gets to her ideal weight because the fat will distort the shape of the muscle. And, in order to get rid of upper arm fat, all you need to do is drink water. Also, that chocolate martini is worse than eating a Whopper.”
Come on dude, you can’t be serious?! You’ve been trying to lose those same 50lbs for how long now?! I freakin’ work for a weight loss company, AFTER losing over 60lbs! Losing weight is a good chunk of my life! Stay in your lane!!
Granted, I didn’t say any of that, I drank my martini, felt on his forearm muscle, because he insisted, and nodded eagerly, as if he were giving me the best advice in the world. There was no point in arguing with a delusional person. Clearly, he felt, through his association with Ms. Fitness Universe, he was more knowledgeable than me, who’s not only talked the talk, but walked the walk. Whatever man.
Ever notice, successful folks RARELY give advice? You have to specifically ASK for information, after tracking them down. Yet, there’s always someone, attempting to validate their fat/horrible relationship/poor finances/lack of success, by beaning you in the face, with the most ridiculous, half-assed, wad of “advice.”
Just once, I would love a fat person to say, “You wanna know how to lose weight? All you have to do is NOT do what I do.” #respect
Remind me to tell you guys about my father’s theory on the correlation of my consumption of french fries and the size of breast, and his “advice” on how to shrink my boobs. It ends with him asking my boyfriend, on their first meeting, if he’d mind if I got a breast reduction. #awkward
Who’s the most inappropriate person you’ve gotten advice from?