My Sex Life…at Work

There’s no surprise, I absolutely DESPISE my job. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I know. I should feel “happy” and “blessed” that I have a job during these tough, economic times. However, my coworkers are some of the nosiest, ignorant, annoying people I’ve ever encountered. This is not my first job in life, however, this current batch of folks, I’m forced to be a team with, obviously came from The Land of Dumb.

So the latest installment of “Dumb Things to Say” came from a female coworker that JUST met me. I mean, didn’t even know me a week – couldn’t pronounce my name – wouldn’t be able to pick me out in a line up – JUST met me! I recently rotated to a new group, with new people, and I have not built a rapport with anyone, and vice versa. I got sick last week, puked all over the bathroom floor, and left work via ambulance. Upon my return, this simple bitch says to me, “we took a poll on why you were sick: food poisoning or pregnancy. I went with pregnancy.” Who starts a convo like this?!

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The thing about hating your job the way I hate my job is you really don’t care about anything. What time you get to work, what you wear, who’s ass to kiss, or the proper, professional response to foolishness. This is how the conversation went:

This Bitch aka My Coworker: We took a poll on why you were sick: food poisoning or pregnancy. I went with pregnancy.
Me: I’m not pregnant.
This Bitch aka Coworker: Uhhh…are you sure about that?
Me: I’m sure.
This Bitch aka Coworker: You know, sometimes you don’t know.
Me: I’m not pregnant.
This Bitch aka My Coworker: I think your pregnant.
Me: Well, according to the bloody pad in my draws, I’m not pregnant. Would you like to smell un-fertilized fetus?
This Bitch aka My Coworker: [blank stare]
Me: I’m going back to my desk.
[Scene]

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Whenever I’m asked “when are you and the boyfriend going to have a baby?” or “are you pregnant?” I immediately get pissy! I’m not sure if people are unclear on how babies are made, or they think a baby is created by a surplus of love. I understand math may not be everyone’s subject de jour, however, the baby equation is very simple:

Baby Creation Mathematical Model
Man + Woman + Love = Relationship
[(Penis + Vagina) – Condom] + Liquor = Baby
[[(Penis + Vagina) + Condom + Liquor] x (Low Self-Esteem)] x Birth Control Pills = One-Night Stand

Asking me about getting pregnant is the same as asking “you letting your man hit dat ass, raw dog? Did he squirt, squirt, squirt up in dat puss?!” I know. It sounds incredibly vulgar when I say it like that, however, it IS equivalent to “are you pregnant?”

Commutative Property of Sex
Are you pregnant? = You letting your man hit dat ass, raw dog? Did he squirt, squirt, squirt up in dat puss?!

Babies come from sex. I don’t want my coworkers asking about my sex life. Especially, coworkers I don’t know.

What other inappropriate questions have coworkers asked you? How’d you respond?

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2 thoughts on “My Sex Life…at Work

  1. This was so real yet funny at the same damn time. The same damn time. People at work think because you are nice to them at work they you all are friends. Fail

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