Why You Ain’t Got a Man?

Yesterday was spent shopping for a wedding dress for one of my besties, then a good convo with one of my travel buddies. Both women are in relationships where their spouse/soon-to-be-hubby absolutely ADORE them. I mean, love every, stankin bone in their body, every funky fart that comes out of them, every annoying…you get the point. These women are educated, gainfully employed/independent, and outspoken/strong – at least in my opinion.

What’s funny is the girl-talk I have about men, relationships, and sex has changed so much over the years…with the friends who are in SUCCESSFUL relationships. The convos with the habitual single ladies is quite the same as it was back when I was 23 – penis size, how good or bad he is in bed/on the couch/in the car, drama, what he does for a living, and what he needs to do for them. While these are points of interest, they’re not the ONLY important factors in choosing a man.

So many women read those Steve Harvey books and followed the steps like they were working toward a M.R.S degree (that’s Mrs. as in married for my slow readers). There’s no workbook for getting/attracting/acquiring a man. This ain’t no college curriculum. It’s not supposed to be hard. Yet, I hear and see so many women making it more complicated than it has to be.

I don’t understand how Steve Harvey became the SME (subject matter expert) on finding a man, and why so many women validated his new found position. Are women that desperate? Maybe I can write a book on something I’ve never done before, then go on to be the first female host of Family Feud. The sky’s the limit! I’m making history!

But I’m not mad at him or hating or whatever word you want to use. I just feel bad for women who so desperately want a man, but keep self sabotaging. [Dookie’s bout to get deep…]

In my 13 years of dating (6 of them spent in long term relationships, 10 spent ho-ing it up (…please don’t judge me or attempt to figure out the math), I’ve learned and acknowledged a few key traits possessed by women in HAPPY relationships. And by “happy” I mean minimal stress, tons of trust, and comfort [in all aspects of the relationship]. I’m not saying these traits will GET you a man, just that these will make you more attractive to men.

1. Take care of your physical appearance! All this “he gotta love me for me” is nonsense! If you don’t want some big belly man with missing teeth talking bout “Hey baby! Lemme put my belly on your back!” or “teeth get in the way of pleasing you!” get yourself together. Exercise, put some foundation on your face, do your hair, wear clothes that accentuate your body as opposed to what’s in style – look attractive!! It kills me when I hear women bragging about not wearing make-up like they’re a martyr. If Halle Berry wears foundation, your ass needs foundation! Sephora always has a sale! Get to it!

2. Have girlfriends! Seriously, no man wants a chick with no friends. Why? Cause he doesn’t want to be your ONLY friend. That’s a lot of work, pressure, and patience. Plus, he is gonna want to hang with HIS friends and doesn’t need to hear you complaining every Friday night.

3. Get a hobby! Your man is not a hobby! Nor are Facebooking, Tweeting, or reading celebrity gossip. If all you have to do is him, you’re going to drive him nuts (see #2). Plus, no hobbies means nothing to talk about. And yes, talking is important in a relationship… especially after month 10 when y’all stop humping like rabbits.
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4. Stop talking about silly ish! Now why do you think he cares about who fought who on Basketball Wives? Or the argument your girl had with her man? See…if you have a hobby, you got something interesting to share. #winning

5. Have your own ish! Money, car, home, friends, hobbies, interests, cell phone plan, favorite color, favorite movie, health insurance, gym membership, toothbrush, everything! As Tamar Braxton would say, “get your life!” As long as you’re the girlfriend, not the wife, you need your own ish.

6. Stop using trivial things to measure his love for you! Just cause he doesn’t want to go shopping with you, or double date with your annoying friend, does not mean he doesn’t love you. It just means he doesn’t feel like doing those things! And while I’m at it…

7. Stop picking fights for no reason! Okay? So what? He would prefer to sit on the couch THIS Friday as opposed to going to dinner. Maybe he’s had a long week? Maybe he’s stressed? Maybe a lot of things. Its just ONE Friday. Don’t take this opportunity to bring up EVERYTHING you feel he has done wrong year-to-date.

8. Be good at something! If you can’t cook, be good in bed. If you ain’t good in bed, bake some bread. All else fails, learn how to do an oil change.
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9. Occasionally pay for something! Drinks, dinner, a movie. Something! Men like to be treated too, and it shows you appreciate him.

10. Shut up sometimes! Seriously, silence is golden. I think every man would LOVE a woman who knew how and when to shut the #+!* up. All that yap, yap, yapping ain’t necessary ALLLLLLLL the time.
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I’m not a relationship “expert,” just a reformed ho, now in a great relationship, with aspirations of hosting Family Feud. Maybe one day I’ll write a book called Dookie’s Diary: A Young Comic’s Quest to Host Family Feud. Until then, I’ll continue my blog of random thoughts and such. Hopefully, all of my years of being female will prove I’m a subject matter expert on being a woman. Watch out Steve Harvey, here I come!!

What am I missing on this list? Should something be omitted?

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